That unforgotten night

" I used.. to have this kind of night too .. didn't I ?"
said the girl who lost count , for how many times her heart broke .
She remembered that night ,

She turn her sight to the mirror in her room , 
staring at how tired her soul was ,
She could only think how haggard she looked like ,
With bags under her dull gloomy eyes ,
unkempt hair .
wrinkled shirt she wear ,
stained face nobody care . 

She remembered ,
How she used to have this kind of night too .
The night when she couldn't help but wonder , 
be awake upon the feeling of restless and loneliness ,
upon the suffocation ,
When her awareness and consciences being crush down .

It had been a while ,
But she had always knew , despite trying not to think about it ,
The night like once bring her down would some day come again ,
Bringing doom to her .
It was because she hadn't resolved anything ,
Merely pulling through when it came for her before .

She remembered that night ,
"Oh God ! It's hurt , please.. ," 
said the girl who barely survived ,
The more she became aware , the more it hurts and the heavier it got .
Suffocated her , making her muscles tense ,
The body of her , trembled hard ,
The hand that covered half her face ,
clawed into her scalp ,
pulling her hair , panicking . 

She breathes rapidly , sweating .
She bit her lip and shut her eyes tightly ,
as stinging tears starting to come out .
She bawl ,
She crawl ,
She reached her hand ,
Trying to find the comfort place ,
But couldn't find any ,
She is desperate .
Acting as if it is her end .

As all the pain started to gnaw at her from the inside ,
she could only hear "her" voice .
Telling her to die , that she not gonna make it ,
She mumble , 
Praying to God to save her .

She bawl again and again ,
Saying the world and people live in it is cruel ,
"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry .. because of myself , you ..
I made you... turn into this , I'm sorry .. "
she on and on mumble this to herself .

She knew .
She knew that she's the cause of her own pain and yet ,
There would be no way she could blame others ,
She cried desperately .
Feel hopeless , restless ,
Then that's when she realized ,
She's on her own .

"It's funny isn't it ? "
She chuckle ,
"How can the pain make me like that once ,"
She smile bitterly ,
"How I wish I could forget that night , 
its throbbing my heart whenever I think about it "

She stand up ,
" I guess that's okay . Everyone have gone through that phase before right ?"
She knew that ,
Memories could not fade away .
The memory where she lost to herself ,
Like that night , 
The unforgotten night .

- lylaa 24/9/21